The best day at work - ever!!!

This was forwarded through an email list I subscribe to -- I want to work in this guy's department... bq. today was.... bq. THE BEST F*CKING DAY I'VE EVER HAD AT WORK!!!!!! ANYWHERE! bq. as you all know, i was elected (COUGH*FORCED*COUGH) to be my ports' safety warden. you all know the story. well anyway, they had scheduled a "surprise" fire drill for today between 2 and 3 pm. the only surprise was on the administration, as i told ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY about the fire drill for 3 days straight. (if you got an email from me at work then you already know all about this.) bq. in our "safety team" meetings, they gave all the safety wardens a dayglow orange safety vest, and a large-ish dayglow flag. this was so that everyone in our respective ports would be able to follow us out of the building, and then know where our port was to assemble out in the parking lot. i felt the uniform was somewhat lacking, so, i made some alterations to mine. bq. at 1:45 pm i suited up. bq. -dayglow orange safety vest with "let the motherf*cker BURN!" written on the back in black sharpie (yes, actually had the *-asterix in it.) bq. -dayglow orange rubber dishwashing gloves bq. -TWO of the aforementioned flags, taped to my back in a "V" formation with packing tape. (think of the samurai, but larger.) on the flags were drawn 1.) our port number 2.) a picture of a stick figure man burning to death. bq. -a plastic toy firemans hat that said "FIRE CHIEF" in big red letters across the badge on the front. the hat has a tinted visor that comes down to right below my nose (think "judge dredd") bq. -i rolled up my pants and tucked them into my jump boots bq. i was full-on ready to rock by the time the alarms went off at PRECISELY 2pm. bq. this is where it gets fun. bq. yesterday i ordered a bullhorn from the internet. in a flash of brilliance, i called this morning and had it rerouted to me at work.. (ask kimberpixie she was talking to me right after i ordered it yesterday. ) bq. i deputized zeke (who is 6'4 and 300 lbs.. used to play middle linebacker in college ) to be the deputy safety warden. i rode piggy back on zekes back screaming "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIEEEEEEE!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVESSSSS!!!" out of the bullhorn. bq. nobody was ready for that... i can assure you. some people were slow to evacuate, so i would have zeke move us towards them and get on the bullhorn and say "ATTENTION BURN VICTIMS, YOU ARE NOW SEVERELY BURNED! PLEASE REPORT TO THE PARKING LOT FOR EMERGENCY BURN CARE." bq. some of the account executives, who weren't taking the fire drill so seriously, wanted to stay on the telephones to close deals. i would ride up to them on my trusty steed, zeke and say (sans bullhorn) "hey! fire drill! we gotta GO. we got NO TIME! NO TIME!" and then proceed to make watch pointy motions ... (even though i haven't worn a wristwatch since i was 15.) bq. then they would say "i'm on the phone." or point to the phone as if to say "hey asshole, i'm on the phone!" (probably closing a really important deal.) that's when i would pull out the bullhorn and shout (about 4 feet away from them, their phone, and their deal), bq. "YOU THINK FIRE CARES ABOUT THE PHONE??? ALL FIRE CARES ABOUT IS TURNING YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE INTO SCREAMING MANGLED HEAPS OF SMOKING GOO! MOVE!" bq. i don't have to tell you, i was laughing my ass off the whole time. so was everyone else. my manager almost wet himself. it was so much like being a little kid again that i almost cried afterwards. bq. i thought i might get in REAL trouble for that stunt, but i'll tell you something. my port, and all the ports i went into, evacuated the building free and clear with all heads accounted for in under 6 minutes. the closest time to that was 8. we were the first ones out. bq. if you think that i am embellishing the truth, please call xxx-xxxx and ask for xxxxx xxxxxxx. (the facilities manager of our building.) he will probably even include details that i have left out*. we had a check delta meeting after the drill and i was still wearing all of my gear. bq. *(like maybe how i was smoking a cigarette in the parking lot while still on zekes back screaming out roll call for our office on the bullhorn, checking names off on my clipboard.) bq. why can't i find a job where it's like that EVERY day?????

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This page contains a single entry by DaveH published on August 26, 2004 8:32 PM.

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