Recently in Humor Category

We must give aid to the disadvantaged people - from America's Newspaper of Record:

Democrats Demand Stimulus Bill Include Reparations For Transgender Native Americans Affected By Climate Change
Democratic lawmakers are blocking the stimulus bill proposed in Congress, slamming their Republican colleagues for refusing to include reparations for transgender Native Americans affected by climate change.

"If we aren't handing billions of dollars to Native Americans with gender dysphoria displaced by our current climate emergency, then what are we even doing here?" shouted Chuck Schumer in a scathing speech outside the Capitol Building. "The American people are waiting for us to pass this bill, and the evil Republicans are stubbornly insisting we don't earmark billions for our transgender indigenous brothers and sisters and others."

The Democrats' version of the bill would set aside $500 billion to fund gender reassignment surgeries and reparations for any indigenous person who has been forced to move thanks to the climate emergency.

"Millions will die if we do not get this added to the bill," Nancy Pelosi warned gravely. "American families are hurting, yes, but they need to wait a while longer so we can get all our pet projects added to the bill."

More at the site.

Listen all the way through - drink alert though, had to clean the soda off my keyboard:

Tip of the hat to Kenny at Knuckledraggin My Life Away

Chuck Norris was exposed to the COVID-19 virus yesterday.

The virus is now in quarantine for two weeks.

From Grouchy Old Cripple:

This is from 2016 but very apt for today. With all the toilet paper flying off the shelves these days, we hearken back to yesteryear with this advertisement from the Quilted Northern Toilet Paper company:

Older Japanese vehicles:

A joke of course but still fun - check out Amazon Dating

The video is the House members walking the impeachment to the Senate:
Tip of the hat to Denny at Grouchy Old Cripple for the link.

Absolutely brilliant - spot on:

Fun little film - from Alternatino at Comedy Central:

...in hope that Saint Nicholas would soon be there - a look at a D.C. chimney from Tom Stiglich:

From Key & Peele:

Been reading the wonderful 1977 biography of Rear Admiral Sir Francis Beaufort (think Beaufort wind force scale). He is best known for the incredible detail of his charts.

The author is talking about the additional data included in his charts:

In one form or another, publication of such non-cartographic data of concern to the mariner has been going on ever since Moses reported fluctuations in the water level of the Red Sea and Homer described certain meteorological and geographical hazards to navigation in the Mediterranean.

Cute turn of phrase...

From America's newspaper of record - the Babylon Bee:

Hillary Clinton Says She Is Being Urged To Run By Many, Many, Many Voices In Her Head
In an interview with the BBC, Hillary Clinton said she is being urged to run for president in 2020 by "many, many, many" voices in her head.

"I'm under enormous pressure from many, many, many voices in my head to think about it," she said. She went on, elaborating on all the voices that echo inside her head all day long. "There's Bob---he's nice. And Carl, he's a swell guy, very supportive. Then there's this voice that sounds like Christopher Walken. He's kind of a jerk sometimes, but even he's on board with me running again."

Pressed for a solid figure, she said there's "at least a few thousand" of these voices that want her to run, and she promised to think about it in order to appease the voices. Clinton also said the voices have told her she's done a great job as president in her first term and they "can't wait" to see how much she can accomplish for the country should she be elected a second time.

She should run again. Give President Trump an even bigger win.

From Grouchy Old Cripple:

~ Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.” Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

~ I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

~ Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

A lot more at the site. So true...

Fun stuff - tip of the hat to Eaton Rapids Joe:

Brad's website: Brad Upton

Stopped watching them decades ago but this caught my eye:

Heh - comedy gold from the creators of South Park. From media site Decider:

‘South Park’ Creators Mock Chinese Government Following Series Ban: “We Too Love Money More Than Freedom”
South Park‘s Matt Stone and Trey Parker are sorry. Kind of. Following last week’s (October 2) blistering takedown of China’s human right violations and Hollywood’s complicity in them, the Comedy Central show was scrubbed from the Chinese internet. In true South Park fashion Stone and Parker begged for forgiveness in a statement claiming that they too “love money more than freedom and democracy.”

A recurring joke throughout Season 23’s “Band in China” revolved around Winnie-the-Pooh. The fictional Disney bear that was banned by Chinese censors after bloggers repeatedly compared the bear to President Xi Jinping. As expected, that led to South Park literally and graphically murdering the honey-loving bear at the end of its latest episode. And that didn’t go well.

In response to the savage episode that heavily criticized the Chinese government for its censorship practices, said government deleted almost every South Park episode, clip, social media account, and even fan pages from the country’s internet. According to The Hollywood Reporter, all mentions of the show have been erased from China’s Twitter-like social media service Weibo as well as the streaming service Youku.

Here is their tweet:

Some basic prestidigitation but well presented - the guy is a natural comic. His website: Avner the Eccentric

From satire site The Beaverton:

Alien civilization blocks humanity after receiving unsolicited nudes

 Immediately regretting opening the strange message attached to an oblong metallic object marked “PIONEER” found floating in space, a distant alien civilization blocked all of humanity on Thursday, remarking that unsolicited nude photos – especially ones from inferior bi-pedal species – are super gross. “Ugh, why would they think I would want to see that?” asked Klaxthon using telepathic communication the tri-gendered crew of their spaceship, adding that the dangly thing on the between one of the figure’s lower tentacles makes them want to shed their first three inner digestive mucus layers. “Like, why? So gross!”  “At least not right away. If I wanted to see it, I’d ask first. But just cold like that? Disgusting!” they added. At press time, SETI radio observatories report a “very thirsty” message from a different alien civilization asking if we could “host.”

Wow - been that long?  From The Guardian:

Monty Python at 50: a half-century of silly walks, edible props and dead parrots
In a memo sent in 1969, the BBC head of comedy seems to have lost his sense of humour. “Please will you have a word with the writers?” said Michael Mills. “I haven’t reacted to the funny titles that have appeared on the scripts so far. I hoped that they would cease of their own accord.”

The titles that irritated him included “Bunn Wackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot”, apparently a spoof legal firm, which came to be shortened to Bunwackett. The show, meanwhile, had the working title The Circus. Now, though, Mills had had enough: “The time has come when we must stop having peculiar titles and settle on one overall title … Please would you have words with them and try to produce something palatable?”

Following this intervention, a title was finally agreed upon: Monty Python’s Flying Circus. And on 19 September 1969, BBC North sent an invitation to journalists to go on location for the filming of the show at the Cow and Calf pub on Ilkley Moor. They were promised “crazy antics” and “the first opportunity to see this new-style brand of late-night nutty comedy in action, and all its writer-stars: John Cleese, Terry Jones, Eric Idle, Graham Chapman and Michael Palin.” (As would often be the case, the animator Terry Gilliam was omitted, though he played many on-screen roles, and his brutal cartoons were the show’s signature innovation.)

This memo and press release are among the documentation relating to the premiere, exactly 50 years ago, of Monty Python’s Flying Circus. Until exhumed by a researcher, the creative entrails of old BBC shows are buried in pink folders, hole-punched and tied with green bootlaces. Now, a rare peek inside the binders has uncovered all the secrets of the Pythons’ earliest days.

A good look into the history of some of the funniest people in the world.

Found at Peter's:

Heh - from The Argyle Sweater:

Sounds like a fun gathering in Australia - from The Epoch Times:

Thousands of Meat Lovers Plan Mass BBQ At House Of Vegan Who Sued Neighbors For Cooking Meat
Thousands of meat-eaters are planning to attend a mass barbecue outside the home of a vegan woman who had sued her neighbors over a series of perceived provocations—most notably the odor of meat and fish sizzling on their backyard grill.

“This is the Aussie version of ‘storm area 51’ and she can’t sue all of us!” wrote one of the commenters in a Facebook community event headlined “Community BBQ for Cilla Carden,” which over 3,300 people have said they plan to take part in, while over 8,000 have said they are “interested” in coming.

Carden told 9News that she had taken her fight against neighbor Toan Vu and his family all the way to the Supreme Court of Western Australia, demanding they put a stop to a range of behaviors in their backyard that she finds upsetting—including children playing and meat cooking on the barbecue.

The massage therapist said her neighbors have spoiled her ability to enjoy her backyard in the suburb of Girrawheen by intentionally letting their barbecue meat and fish smells waft into her yard.

A bit more:

Likely adding to Carden’s distress is the prospect of the event, which is due to take place on Saturday, Oct. 19 at 3 p.m., with one member of the online community suggesting they go “full Ron Swanson and slaughter a live pig on site,” while another chimed in with “oh yes and some cigars, yes every neighbour loves the smell of pungent cigars wafting into their airspace.”

Heh - Ron Swanson is one of my spirit animals. Sounds like a delightful party. Also sounds like an asshole neighbor. The Vu's would have probably been very happy to toss a slice of zucchini on their grill, pop open a Fosters, and laugh about various dietary foibles but Ms. Carden decided that she would control them and lawyer up. Stupid little tyrant.

David is one of the best comedians out there - excellent analysis:

Looks like there was a fun race at Emerald Downs last month (July 6th). Video from San Antonio station KSAT:

Cute!

From Terrierman's Daily Dose (a daily read for me):

President Trump is pulling out all the stops for his 4th celebration. From the Babylon Bee, July 3rd, 2019:

Imperial AT-ATs Begin Arriving In Capital For Military Parade
Ahead of Trump's planned July 4 military parade, several dozen Imperial walkers began to arrive in Washington throughout the week.

The AT-ATs were dropped off by U.S. Space Force Star Destroyers just outside the city and then slowly marched toward the capital (rather than being dropped right next to their target, for some reason). Military bands solemnly played the Imperial March in honor of their arrival. Trump was seen at the White House, pointing excitedly at the looming all-terrain armored transports through an Oval Office window.

"Wow, look at those guys!" he said while gleefully clapping his hands. "Do you think President Xi has any of those? I bet he doesn't. Ha! Guy is probably sooooo jealous right now. And North Korea only has those little chicken walkers! This is definitely the best military parade on the planet!"

The Bee is a satire website.

Cute:

From imgur

From Grouchy Old Cripple:

An assistant to Nancy Pelosi told her she had a fantastic dream last night. “There was a humongous parade in Washington celebrating Pelosi. Millions lined the parade route, cheering when Nancy went past. Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen.”

Nancy was very impressed and said, “That’s really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?”

Her assistant said, “I couldn’t tell, the casket was closed.

Here is your card:

Tip of the hat to Kim DuToit whose blog is a daily read for me. Good stuff!

One of my favorite websites is run by Willis Eschenbach - he writes a lot about climate science but he has also lived an amazing life and is a top story-teller. Website: Skating Under The Ice and his about page: About This Site

Over the last few days, he has been serializing an account of his delivering a sailboat from Hong Kong to California.

Here is what he has posted so far:

I Am Invited Overseas
Back in 1976, when I was about 30, a wealthy friend of mine made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. I was to fly to Hong Kong, where I’d be the First Mate on a sailboat he’d bought and wanted to be delivered back to the US. I’ve done a variety of boat deliveries, they’re always good fun. I wrote about another boat delivery in several parts here, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5. So I said sure, I’ll deliver a sailboat, no problemo.

Here are the stories - some wonderful writing and a great adventure:

• • I Am Invited Overseas
  • The South China Sea Blues
  • Onwards, Ever Onwards
  • Loaded And Overloaded
  • Shades Of Blue

And Willis is just warming up to the story - check back every day or so. He is a wonderful writer.

So true:

Tip of the hat to Denny at Grouchy Old Cripple

THE DEAD DON’T DIE
The greatest zombie cast ever disassembled starring Bill Murray, Adam Driver, Tilda Swinton, Chloë Sevigny, Steve Buscemi, Danny Glover, Caleb Landry Jones, Rosie Perez, Iggy Pop, Sara Driver, RZA, Selena Gomez, Carol Kane, Austin Butler, Luka Sabbat and Tom Waits. Written and directed by Jim Jarmusch. In Theaters June 14th. 

Report from the Special Counsel Investigation into Russian Interference During and Before the 2016 Presidential Election

69 pages of powerful and clear writing. It is more than I expected from Mueller.

Wait for it:

(hint - look for the cat)

Found over at Bayou Renaissance Man: