Tip of the hat to Grouchy Old Cripple:
Recently in Humor Category
Reading President Trump's tweets as Gollum: "The FAKE NEWS media has never been so wrong. Or so DIIRRRRRRTY!"
From the Babylon Bee:
Trump Picks Alex Jones As New Press Secretary
Confirming the widespread rumors that Sean Spicer would be departing the office in short order, President Donald Trump has chosen InfoWars chief and renowned conspiracy theorist Alex Jones as the new Press Secretary, the White House announced Tuesday.
The fiery Jones wasted no time getting in front of the cameras, holding his inaugural press conference shortly after the announcement.
“I am the new Press Secretary!” he bellowed in his distinct Texas growl at all the reporters present, occasionally taking a handkerchief out of his pocket to dab perspiration from his red face. “AAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHH!” he continued, beating his chest like a gorilla.
“We’re comin’ for ya globalists! 1776 will commence, you wicked, wicked devils!” he added, before mumbling something about gay frogs.
Needless to say, the Babylon Bee is a satire site. Sure would be fun to see heads pop if this were true but glad it is not - Jones is a conspiracy theorist of the first order.
Heh:
Great Star Trek mashup - hat tip to Ace of Spades for the link:
He's got the whole crew:
For context, watch this first: Buster the Boxer from the John Lewis department store in London, England:
And then this parody - from JOE.co.uk:
Delightful bit of video.
Just ran into a nice memorial website for this terrible marine disaster: Staten Island Ferry Disaster Memorial Museum
From their about page:
It was close to 4am on the quiet morning of November 22, 1963 when the Steam Ferry Cornelius G. Kolff vanished without a trace. On its way with nearly 400 hundred people, mostly on their way to work, the disappearance of the Cornelius G. Kolff remains both one of New York’s most horrific maritime tragedies and perhaps its most intriguing mystery. Eye witness accounts describe “large tentacles” which “pulled” the ferry beneath the surface only a short distance from its destination at Whitehall Terminal in Lower Manhattan.
Nobody on board survived and only small pieces of wreckage have been found…strangely with large “suction cup-shaped” marks on them. The only logical conclusion scientists and officials could point to was that the boat had been attacked by a massive octopus, roughly half the size of the ship. Adding to the tragedy, is that this disaster went almost completely unnoticed by the public as later that day another, more “newsworthy” tragedy would befall the nation when beloved President John Fitzgerald Kennedy was assassinated. The Staten Island Ferry Disaster Museum hopes to correct this oversight by preserving the memory of those lost in this tragedy and educating the public about the truth behind the only known giant octopus-ferry attack in the tri-state area.
They erected a nice monument near the site of the sinking:
And yes, this is a work of satire.
The original little 8-bit guy mashes up with some stupid human fail videos. Two parts:
Tip of the hat to BoingBoing for the link - more there.
Alex Williamson translates some of William Shakespeare's phrases into Bogan Aussie. A very sophisticunted performance. Wear headphones if at work - most definitely NSFW.
From Sports Book Nation:
The entire British Olympic team arrived back in England with the same red suitcase
Great Britain had an amazingly successful Olympics. A record medal haul, a nation of adoring fans welcoming Olympians home as heroes. There was just one problem — baggage claim.
Great Britain’s athletes weren’t just given official Olympic attire, they got special Olympic baggage too. Baggage that matched. Heading to one of the world’s busiest airports. With everyone arriving at the same time.
Athletes arrived just after 5 a.m. local time. Their bodies were telling them it was 1 a.m. because of the time difference to Rio. Bleary eyed, the athletes needed to try and work together in an effort to find which red bag in a sea of red bags was theirs.
Judging from three athletes’ timelines, it took roughly two hours for the problem to get sorted out. Many of them finally emerged from baggage claim to meet the public around 7 a.m.
Oopsie...
What with all the renewed pokemon craze - from The Oatmeal:
I know a bunch of people from both population groups and this is 100% spot on:
I love a good limerick - ran into this one today:
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By winds that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along And, unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd!
A few days ago, New York Daily News reporter Gersh Kuntzman published this article. It was so over the top and full of mis-information that he parodied himself.
What is it like to fire an AR-15? It’s horrifying, menacing and very very loud
Best-selling author Larry Correia created this representative info-graphic and took the Kuntzman story and ran with it:
ASK KUNTZMAN!
After the wildly successful feature where ace reporter Gersh Kuntzman gave us the straight scoop on what it is like to shoot the terrifying AR-15 “Black Mamba Star Killer Base” rifle, we here at the New York Daily News are happy to present our new feature ASK KUNTZMAN!
Join us as Gersh Kuntzman gives valuable life advice. Send us your questions, from lifestyle choices to product reviews, and together we may peer deep into his earth mother like wisdom. From his lilac scented crying pillow to you, rejoice as Gersh Kuntzman let’s you know what’s really going on in the world.
Go and read the rest - caution: multiple drink alert - Larry is at the top of his form...
Dear Abby,
My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies.
I know he`s cheated on me many times with younger women.
He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive wine and booze day and night.
We sleep in separate beds.
Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby?
Your advice would be appreciated.
Mad as Hell
Dear Mad as Hell,
You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man.
I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p.
Don`t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, and try to act like a lady!
Remember, you`re running for President of the United States, so try acting like it!
Abby
Horrible wingsuit accident caught on video (joke):
An oldie but a goodie:
People send me stuff...
Dear Abby,
My husband hasn’t worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he’s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his grand-daughters. I know this because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he tells me he knows I am a lesbian and my varicose veins and fat behind turns him off. Should I clobber him with a frying pan, or should I just leave him?
Your advice would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Mad as hell
********************
Dear Mad as hell,
You don’t have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out ASAP.
Don’t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan - try to act more like a lady.
Remember…you are running for President of the United States, so try to act like it!
Best of luck to you.
Signed,
Abby
From the Kansas City Star:
Man tries to put out garbage fire by driving over it in a van loaded with ammunition
A Clay County sheriff’s deputy retreated to a safe distance from a van burning in a field Tuesday afternoon after he heard the sound of live ammunition going off inside it.
The deputy found the van burning near Old State Highway 210 and Bluff Road, south of Liberty, about 2:30 p.m., said Jon Bazzano, a spokesman for the Clay County Sheriff’s Office. The deputy had been in the middle of a traffic stop when he saw black smoke on the horizon and headed that way to investigate.
Eventually, the deputy found the owner of the vehicle watching the fire from a distance.
The deputy learned that the owner had been burning garbage in the field and accidentally let the fire get out of control. In an attempt to put the fire out, he drove his van back and forth over the flames.
This made matters worse, as the tires of the van caught fire. Realizing that the van was loaded with firearms ammunition and a full tank of gas, the driver evacuated the area for safety.
A bit more:
The deputy did not immediately cite the owner, who declined to make a report for a possible insurance claim.
“It seems like he’s just going to have to take a loss on that vehicle because I don’t think they’re going to cover it,” Bazzano said.
Hey - I'm going to burn some trash out in a field. Fire is getting a bit out of control so I am going to drive my van on top of it.
I cannot imagine the thought process that went on in that poor sap's brain...
Cute!
This came in from an email:
Actually, if Sam or Rocky could talk economics or politics, we would have some wonderful discussions long into the night over a couple flakes of hay.
Swiped from Denny:
Today I had to go to the Post Office. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.
I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.
The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, “I’m not handicapped!”
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red! “Oh, I’m sorry,” I said. “I saw your Hillary bumper sticker, and I just assumed that you suffered from some sort of mental disorder.”
She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.
Boy! Some people don’t appreciate it when you’re just trying to help them out!
Major drink alert - go here and read: 15 Minute Lunch:
Grease me up, woman!
You know what's bad? When you're washing machine drains and all the water floods backward in the pipes and starts coming up in your kitchen sink drain. You know what's worse? When this water contains black hunks of rancid food and grease that smells like a dead rhinoceros and quite probably dates back to the early 1990's. I swear to god, one chunk of grease had a mullet and was wearing a Member's Only jacket.
So that's what I walked into when I agreed to take a look at my wife's grandfather's plumbing issue. His major complaints were: (1) His sink took ten minutes to drain. (2) He couldn't do a load of wash on anything but the lowest water setting. Anything else would cause the sink to overflow. Even on low, it still came up to the point where the only thing keeping it in the sink was surface tension and stink.
Go and read the entire story - I am tearing up from chuckling.
Today's word is Schadenfreude.
Toy animal head stuffed with delicious organic peanut butter:
From James Gurney - his website is a daily read for me.
One of his later videos - speaking truth to power. Suck it up snowflake...
And also this classic:
Could it be - Saturday Night Live is funny again? This was great. Tip 'o the hat to Stormbringer.
Always great - from the Miami Herald:
Dave Barry's Year in Review 2014
JANUARY
…when the nation is invaded by the Polar Vortex, which blasts in from Canada, bringing with it heavy snows, record low temperatures and Justin Bieber, who penetrates as far south as Miami before being arrested for racing a Lamborghini. Weather is also the big story in drought-stricken California, where the state legislature passes a tough new water-conservation law requiring all noncelebrity residents to go to the bathroom in Oregon.
In Colorado, the new year begins on a “high” note as the sale of recreational marijuana becomes legal. Despite dire predictions from critics that this will lead to increases in crime and addiction, state law-enforcement officials report that if you stare for a while at the flashing lights on top of their cars, you can see some amazing colors.
The U.S. Senate confirms Janet Yellen as chair of the Federal Reserve after she assures senators that she will let them know if anybody ever figures out what the Federal Reserve actually does.
In a major speech, President Barack Obama, responding to allegations that the National Security Agency has been electronically snooping on foreign leaders, announces that all federal agencies will henceforth follow strict new guidelines on the sale and distribution of photos of Angela Merkel naked.
In other foreign affairs, French President François Hollande is embroiled in a sex scandal involving his attractive girlfriend and an attractive actress despite the fact that he looks remarkably like George Costanza.
Elsewhere abroad, NBA legend and idiot Dennis Rodman makes a fourth visit to North Korea to hang out with his misunderstood pal Kim Jong-Un, who defeats Rodman 168-0 in a friendly one-on-one game refereed by the North Korean army, then celebrates by firing a missile at Japan.
Much more at the site - Dave Berry is a national treasure.
From an email:
The nun got into a New York cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver will not stop staring at her.
She asks him, "Why are you staring at me?” He replies, “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you are as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about anything. I am sure that there is nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
The cabbie said, “Well I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well , lets see what we can do about that. First, you must be single and second, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited, and said, “Yes, I am single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun said, “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush
When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
The cabbie replied,”Sister,forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and must confess. I am married and I am Jewish.”
The nun said, “That’s OK. my name is Kevin and I am going to a Halloween party.
Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and facilities, we didn't have to produce anything! You've never been out of college! You don't know what it's like out there! I've *worked* in the private sector. They expect *results*.
--Dr Raymond Stantz
Dr. Stantz? Ghostbusters
