Recently in Humor Category

So true - stages

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Right there with you:

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From Knuckledraggin

I resemble that remark

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Today's Dilbert hit close to home:

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The statues are fighting back

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With all the statues being toppled by the kiddies recently, this is not surprising. From Eat Liver:

The Statues Are Finally Fighting Back
We’ve all heard about people taking down statues as a part of BLM protests and riots that have been happening recently. Meanwhile the statues around the world have apparently started to fight back. Scroll down to see for yourself!

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More at the site - cute idea.

Later this summer

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Going to be interesting to see how we all "wake up" - saw this and it resonated:

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Heh - I want a new drug

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From America's Newspaper of Record:

'TRUMP SMASH!' Roars Giant Green President After Taking One Too Many Doses Of Hydroxychloroquine
President Trump revealed he has been taking hydroxychloroquine, but it appears he may have overdone it as he has transformed into a giant green mutant.

Trump had gone down to the science lab in the basement of the White House and demanded more hydroxychloroquine. "You've already had one hydroxychloroquine today," the inventor of the drug, Dr. Bob Hydroxychloroquine, told him. He was chained to the workstation, being forced to cook up more and more of the drug for the president.

"Yes, but what about second hydroxychloroquine?" Trump said, grabbing a beaker of a bubbling blue substance from the scientist. "I love this stuff!"

"My gosh," the horrified scientist muttered, taking off his glasses. "No mortal can handle that much!" The researcher tried to flee but was yanked back by his chains, knocking over an experimental gamma ray gun that fired straight at Trump's face.

"Power... unlimited power!" bellowed Trump as he began to grow in size, his persimmon skin turning green as his suit ripped off from his newfound giant muscles. "TRUMP ANGRY! TRUMP SMASH!"

Trump began to smash the room up as his alter ego and then ran upstairs where he destroyed much of the West Wing. He was finally calmed down and returned to normal as aides leaped onto his back and injected him with a shot of Clorox.

Title? Huey Lewis and The News

Found on the web:

5 types of customers since the “rona”:

1) Steve:
He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo.

Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.

2) Brad:
He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape.

Brad will not survive.
Steve will probably eat him.

3) Nancy:
She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper.

She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.

4) Karen:
She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonalds, Chik-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her.

Karen will not survive longer than Brad.

5) Mary:
Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days.

Mary will survive and marry Steve.
Together they will repopulate the earth.

May God have mercy on us all.

Awwww cute - old monsters

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Sweet little video:

Tip of the hat to James Gurney for the link

The last supper would have been quite different:

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Nope - none at all. Hollywood stunt actress Zoë Bell has some fun with her friends:

Had me smiling if not outright laughing through the whole five minutes. I love the little "Easter Eggs" for their roles.

A new meme

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Heh:

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Another COVID-19 death

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Heh - hire that baker

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Brilliant idea:

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A joke - Nancy Pelosi

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Swiped in full from Grouchy Old Cripple:

Last Saturday afternoon in Washington, D.C., an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic Cathedral. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending Sunday’s Mass and asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling her a saint.

The Cardinal replied, “No. I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over most of Pelosi’s views.”

Pelosi’s aide said, “Look, I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”

The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the Church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”

As Pelosi’s aide promised, Nancy appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Ms. Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, “While Ms. Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a drunken thumb-sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for evading her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. Just look at the streets in her district! Feces everywhere. The woman is simply not to be trusted.”

The Cardinal concluded. “But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Ms. Pelosi is a saint.”

So true. And I am saddened by the announcement of the Cardinal's upcoming suicide - despondent so he shot himself three times in the back of the head.

But of course

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We must give aid to the disadvantaged people - from America's Newspaper of Record:

Democrats Demand Stimulus Bill Include Reparations For Transgender Native Americans Affected By Climate Change
Democratic lawmakers are blocking the stimulus bill proposed in Congress, slamming their Republican colleagues for refusing to include reparations for transgender Native Americans affected by climate change.

"If we aren't handing billions of dollars to Native Americans with gender dysphoria displaced by our current climate emergency, then what are we even doing here?" shouted Chuck Schumer in a scathing speech outside the Capitol Building. "The American people are waiting for us to pass this bill, and the evil Republicans are stubbornly insisting we don't earmark billions for our transgender indigenous brothers and sisters and others."

The Democrats' version of the bill would set aside $500 billion to fund gender reassignment surgeries and reparations for any indigenous person who has been forced to move thanks to the climate emergency.

"Millions will die if we do not get this added to the bill," Nancy Pelosi warned gravely. "American families are hurting, yes, but they need to wait a while longer so we can get all our pet projects added to the bill."

More at the site.

Tennessee

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Listen all the way through - drink alert though, had to clean the soda off my keyboard:

Tip of the hat to Kenny at Knuckledraggin My Life Away

This just in - COVID-19

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Chuck Norris was exposed to the COVID-19 virus yesterday.

The virus is now in quarantine for two weeks.

No worries - toilet paper

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The great toilet paper stampede

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This is from 2016 but very apt for today. With all the toilet paper flying off the shelves these days, we hearken back to yesteryear with this advertisement from the Quilted Northern Toilet Paper company:

The latest epidemic

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Older Japanese vehicles:

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Markets in everything - Amazon Dating

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A joke of course but still fun - check out Amazon Dating

Heh - Benny Hill and the impeachment

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The video is the House members walking the impeachment to the Senate:
Tip of the hat to Denny at Grouchy Old Cripple for the link.

Absolutely brilliant - spot on:

Heh

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The world's worst translator

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Fun little film - from Alternatino at Comedy Central:

...in hope that Saint Nicholas would soon be there - a look at a D.C. chimney from Tom Stiglich:

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From Key & Peele:

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Heh - navigation charts

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Been reading the wonderful 1977 biography of Rear Admiral Sir Francis Beaufort (think Beaufort wind force scale). He is best known for the incredible detail of his charts.

The author is talking about the additional data included in his charts:

In one form or another, publication of such non-cartographic data of concern to the mariner has been going on ever since Moses reported fluctuations in the water level of the Red Sea and Homer described certain meteorological and geographical hazards to navigation in the Mediterranean.

Cute turn of phrase...

Hillary in 2020

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From America's newspaper of record - the Babylon Bee:

Hillary Clinton Says She Is Being Urged To Run By Many, Many, Many Voices In Her Head
In an interview with the BBC, Hillary Clinton said she is being urged to run for president in 2020 by "many, many, many" voices in her head.

"I'm under enormous pressure from many, many, many voices in my head to think about it," she said. She went on, elaborating on all the voices that echo inside her head all day long. "There's Bob---he's nice. And Carl, he's a swell guy, very supportive. Then there's this voice that sounds like Christopher Walken. He's kind of a jerk sometimes, but even he's on board with me running again."

Pressed for a solid figure, she said there's "at least a few thousand" of these voices that want her to run, and she promised to think about it in order to appease the voices. Clinton also said the voices have told her she's done a great job as president in her first term and they "can't wait" to see how much she can accomplish for the country should she be elected a second time.

She should run again. Give President Trump an even bigger win.

Heh - some one-liners

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From Grouchy Old Cripple:

~ Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.” Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

~ I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

~ Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

A lot more at the site. So true...

Brad Upton - comedy

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Fun stuff - tip of the hat to Eaton Rapids Joe:

Brad's website: Brad Upton

Something actually funny from SNL

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Stopped watching them decades ago but this caught my eye:

An apology - sort of

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Heh - comedy gold from the creators of South Park. From media site Decider:

‘South Park’ Creators Mock Chinese Government Following Series Ban: “We Too Love Money More Than Freedom”
South Park‘s Matt Stone and Trey Parker are sorry. Kind of. Following last week’s (October 2) blistering takedown of China’s human right violations and Hollywood’s complicity in them, the Comedy Central show was scrubbed from the Chinese internet. In true South Park fashion Stone and Parker begged for forgiveness in a statement claiming that they too “love money more than freedom and democracy.”

A recurring joke throughout Season 23’s “Band in China” revolved around Winnie-the-Pooh. The fictional Disney bear that was banned by Chinese censors after bloggers repeatedly compared the bear to President Xi Jinping. As expected, that led to South Park literally and graphically murdering the honey-loving bear at the end of its latest episode. And that didn’t go well.

In response to the savage episode that heavily criticized the Chinese government for its censorship practices, said government deleted almost every South Park episode, clip, social media account, and even fan pages from the country’s internet. According to The Hollywood Reporter, all mentions of the show have been erased from China’s Twitter-like social media service Weibo as well as the streaming service Youku.

Here is their tweet:

Cute routine - Avner the Eccentric

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Some basic prestidigitation but well presented - the guy is a natural comic. His website: Avner the Eccentric

Heh - aliens

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From satire site The Beaverton:

Alien civilization blocks humanity after receiving unsolicited nudes

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 Immediately regretting opening the strange message attached to an oblong metallic object marked “PIONEER” found floating in space, a distant alien civilization blocked all of humanity on Thursday, remarking that unsolicited nude photos – especially ones from inferior bi-pedal species – are super gross. “Ugh, why would they think I would want to see that?” asked Klaxthon using telepathic communication the tri-gendered crew of their spaceship, adding that the dangly thing on the between one of the figure’s lower tentacles makes them want to shed their first three inner digestive mucus layers. “Like, why? So gross!”  “At least not right away. If I wanted to see it, I’d ask first. But just cold like that? Disgusting!” they added. At press time, SETI radio observatories report a “very thirsty” message from a different alien civilization asking if we could “host.”

Wow - been that long?  From The Guardian:

Monty Python at 50: a half-century of silly walks, edible props and dead parrots
In a memo sent in 1969, the BBC head of comedy seems to have lost his sense of humour. “Please will you have a word with the writers?” said Michael Mills. “I haven’t reacted to the funny titles that have appeared on the scripts so far. I hoped that they would cease of their own accord.”

The titles that irritated him included “Bunn Wackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot”, apparently a spoof legal firm, which came to be shortened to Bunwackett. The show, meanwhile, had the working title The Circus. Now, though, Mills had had enough: “The time has come when we must stop having peculiar titles and settle on one overall title … Please would you have words with them and try to produce something palatable?”

Following this intervention, a title was finally agreed upon: Monty Python’s Flying Circus. And on 19 September 1969, BBC North sent an invitation to journalists to go on location for the filming of the show at the Cow and Calf pub on Ilkley Moor. They were promised “crazy antics” and “the first opportunity to see this new-style brand of late-night nutty comedy in action, and all its writer-stars: John Cleese, Terry Jones, Eric Idle, Graham Chapman and Michael Palin.” (As would often be the case, the animator Terry Gilliam was omitted, though he played many on-screen roles, and his brutal cartoons were the show’s signature innovation.)

This memo and press release are among the documentation relating to the premiere, exactly 50 years ago, of Monty Python’s Flying Circus. Until exhumed by a researcher, the creative entrails of old BBC shows are buried in pink folders, hole-punched and tied with green bootlaces. Now, a rare peek inside the binders has uncovered all the secrets of the Pythons’ earliest days.

A good look into the history of some of the funniest people in the world.

Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt

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Found at Peter's:

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Magic Glue

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Heh - from The Argyle Sweater:

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Throw another shrimp on the barbie?

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Sounds like a fun gathering in Australia - from The Epoch Times:

Thousands of Meat Lovers Plan Mass BBQ At House Of Vegan Who Sued Neighbors For Cooking Meat
Thousands of meat-eaters are planning to attend a mass barbecue outside the home of a vegan woman who had sued her neighbors over a series of perceived provocations—most notably the odor of meat and fish sizzling on their backyard grill.

“This is the Aussie version of ‘storm area 51’ and she can’t sue all of us!” wrote one of the commenters in a Facebook community event headlined “Community BBQ for Cilla Carden,” which over 3,300 people have said they plan to take part in, while over 8,000 have said they are “interested” in coming.

Carden told 9News that she had taken her fight against neighbor Toan Vu and his family all the way to the Supreme Court of Western Australia, demanding they put a stop to a range of behaviors in their backyard that she finds upsetting—including children playing and meat cooking on the barbecue.

The massage therapist said her neighbors have spoiled her ability to enjoy her backyard in the suburb of Girrawheen by intentionally letting their barbecue meat and fish smells waft into her yard.

A bit more:

Likely adding to Carden’s distress is the prospect of the event, which is due to take place on Saturday, Oct. 19 at 3 p.m., with one member of the online community suggesting they go “full Ron Swanson and slaughter a live pig on site,” while another chimed in with “oh yes and some cigars, yes every neighbour loves the smell of pungent cigars wafting into their airspace.”

Heh - Ron Swanson is one of my spirit animals. Sounds like a delightful party. Also sounds like an asshole neighbor. The Vu's would have probably been very happy to toss a slice of zucchini on their grill, pop open a Fosters, and laugh about various dietary foibles but Ms. Carden decided that she would control them and lawyer up. Stupid little tyrant.

David Chappelle on Jussie Smollett

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David is one of the best comedians out there - excellent analysis:

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