A humble list of accomplishments

From an email list dealing with scissor and knife sharpening:
Over the years now, I have kept a persona of a newbie. A humble and always-learning student o' sharpening. I can no longer keep up this facade! Boys, in all truthfulness, I own the most powerful scissor, shear, clipper blade, knife manufacturing company in the world. I can't tell you which one because then I'd have to preface this post with an (ADV). Suffice it to say that whatever knowledge YOU have...I greatly surpass it. My daddy, my daddy's daddy, and my daddy's daddy's daddy were in this business. Uwe and his family have nothing on me and MY family.

Now although grit runs through my veins, this is not the only thing I know. I am quite the renaissance woman! Here is just a very short list of the things I know/and or can do/and/or or have done in my relatively short 37 years:

-I have advanced degrees in metalurgy (of course), marketing, robotics (holding the highest degree of Doctorate Of Robotic Knowledge or as we in the know call it: DORK), and having long ago having achieved the award of Greatly Enhanced Executive of Knowledge or: GEEK.

-I have dated Charlton Heston, Prime Minister Tony Blair, The Bush Sisters (doubled 'em), David Koresh(I don't know what I was thinking, he had nice eyes), and Lou Ferrigno.

-I hold 1,410 patents including these everyday items: Lee Press On Nails, Dr Scholl's insoles, Zithromax, and Tidy Cat Clumping Litter.

-I have scaled Mount Everest...twice

-I ghost wrote the movies 'Ghost', 'Ghost Busters', 'Ghost Rider'(ugh, why the director chose Nick Cage is beyond me!), and 'Ghost World.(what can I say, I like ghosts. They're sooo transparent)

-I once killed a man just for snoring.

-I am a world renowned musician in: oboe, harpsichord, vibraharp, recorder, lute, bagpipes, monovalve B'rugalsec, and keytar. I toured with Bob Marley and the Wailers at the tender age of 10. Possibly this is why I am drawn to places with a high concentration of Bobs.

-A little known fact: The highest rank in the Masons is held by a woman. Moi.

-I am asked (begged, really) to tour with Cirque du Soleil at least 5 times a year, as I am incredibly limber and my contortioning skills are stellar.

-I got Whitney off the nose candy.

-Tom Cruise was really jumping of the couch for ME. It was in editing that Katie Holmes' name was inserted. We both realized that it just wouldn't be ethical because I am a high priestess of Scientology.

-I am just months away from the cure for Appendiceal Carcinoma.

-I have been in contact with aliens and am working hard on getting them to give us the plans for interstellar time jumping. There ARE worm holes and I have been on Furboc 9 to prove it.

-I am the voice of Elmo, Spongebob, and a myriad of other well known characters. I am also the voice on all of those movie previews. 'One man's quest to hold the title of Most Accomplishments in a lifetime, goes wrong...wacky wrong. Starring Wil Ferrell...' Sound familiar? Yeah I'm that voice too!
The truth is out. And it WILL set you free. Bow before mere mortals. I am your Goddess.


And BTW: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with ME.
The funny thing is that I Googled this and she is right! Don't know what she sees in Furboc 9 though - the place had gone downhill a lot since the last time I visited (1853). The last Memnlorph stand was out of business and had relocated to Xtlorph 7 and you all know what I feel about Xtlorph 7. Uggghhh... Heh...

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This page contains a single entry by DaveH published on May 3, 2008 11:43 PM.

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